Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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