i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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