Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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