The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
