Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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