if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
