did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
