Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
