one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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