and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
