Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
