Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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