We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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