Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
