just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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