"it" just moved
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
