sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Randomize
