some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
In other news, I just burned my penis
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
