I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
