the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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