It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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