I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
