When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
