whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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