Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
