i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
