Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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