Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
