you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
