Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
