My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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