Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
