Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
