did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
