you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
