I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
