I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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