dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
