And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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