Your face is a jimmy john
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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