I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
