Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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