Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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