Kiss
Puke
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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