A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
