cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
