he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
