no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
