I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
