I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
