Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Less talking, more tequila
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
